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My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.