> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
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“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
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I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
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-Disney
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
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BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
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I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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