Me My dog
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My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)