I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
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American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
your honor my client chooses dare
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
bro what is going on at twitter
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
My first son he is wonderful
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house