Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
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*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!