*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
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5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
British websites use biscuits.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*