What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
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My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now