Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
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My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.