You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
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I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.