me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
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Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.