Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
You Might Also Like
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.