My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
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Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.