In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
You Might Also Like
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
oh you wanna fight?!
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
The 4 stages of a family vacation
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.