Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
idk flipping houses looks really hard