[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
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If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Hmm, not sure about this change
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?