Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.