ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
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I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Danger is very dangerous
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”