“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
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Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
January has been Januweary
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast