4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
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says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.