IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
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Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
jesus, what did this guy do
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.