I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.