Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
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I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
How does one answer this?
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go