When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Happy Febuary everyone!
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.