Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
You Might Also Like
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
my retirement plan is braless
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.