And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.