I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
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When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.