– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
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Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Feels
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.