The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
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I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
uh oh
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong