ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
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My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Attacked by a mop.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.