13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me