Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up