[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
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I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?