When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
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I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Birds & Planes.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.