There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
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i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Quadruple digit IQ
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
me adding lol on a serious message
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to