Camping tip: No.
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Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.