I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek