A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
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A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY