Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
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I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
“What movie?” 🤔
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”