It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
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Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness