What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this