“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come