Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.