At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
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There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”