HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
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mmm onion ringos
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I’m already scared