You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
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Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself