This made me chuckle.
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Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.