i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
You Might Also Like
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
🖤✌🏽
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]