The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Holy moly
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo