*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
time for some seasonal decor
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.