My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
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me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die